i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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