How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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