just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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