His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
