I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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