Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
