Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
