I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
