I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
