My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
nutella sex= disaster
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
