I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
