So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
