you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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