ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
