and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Randomize