Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
