Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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