Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
