chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just cut my nipple shaving
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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