I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
