dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
