i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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