Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
