you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
