So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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