I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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