fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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