I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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