dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
