And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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