I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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