I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
