for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
