If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
