You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize