I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
