then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
