I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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