It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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