Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize