i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
