Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
