My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Randomize
