My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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