Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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