I think my vagina is haunted
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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