Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
