I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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