Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize
