I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
