I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i will never coherently bang her
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
