Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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