last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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