your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
