I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
worst night to have a conscience
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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