When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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