shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
